Becoming Ourselves
Growing into Our Identity One of life’s grand existential inquiries is launched by a simple yet fundamental question: “Who am I?” The answer to that query is nuanced and evolves seismically for some, based on one’s season of life, emotional development, and depth of understanding. Quite possibly our conceptualization of who we are ebbs and…
Dead to Me: Enduring the Pain of Ambiguous Loss
Loss is a regular occurrence for most of us. We lose things – keys, earrings, phones, Air pods. Our favorite sports teams lose games. And most painfully, we lose people. When someone close to us dies, we enter into a natural, well documented, and interminable grieving process. And yet, death is only one way by…
A Fork in the Road
“We do not obtain the most precious gifts by going in search of them but by waiting for them.” So says the philosopher, Simone Weil. Her quote caught my attention when I saw it referenced in David Brook’s new book, How to Know a Person. Curiously, I had been reflecting on this very conundrum, in my own…
Perfectly Imperfect:
Why Can’t You Be Who I Want You to Be? So, you met someone. Not just anyone, but the person you’ve been longing for. The connection between the two of you is pure magic. Deep connection, uncanny chemistry, organic intimacy. Fireworks, exploding to the 1812 Overture. They are exactly your type and you, theirs. They…
The Magic of Men’s Work
Developing Male Connection in the Age Of Loneliness I clearly remember the question posed by my new therapist. “Would you be willing to join my men’s therapy group?” Honestly, and silently, I surmised I’d rather endure an old school root canal, food poisoning, or wrestle an alligator. Instead, I smiled sheepishly, gulped, and acquiesced. “If…
Meet Jimmie Laird: The Renegade TV Therapist
Have you ever watched a movie or TV show and thought to yourself, “Oh wow, that character is me”? Well, that’s exactly how I felt watching the new Apple TV series Shrinking. Jason Segel’s character, therapist Jimmy Laird, is me. Well, more precisely, parts of me. Jimmy is a grand paradox: profoundly imperfect and wounded…
What’s So Scary About the Unknown?
One of my therapy clients said something so profound the other day it stopped me cold. He told me he’s “more comfortable with the familiarity of hell than the unfamiliarity of heaven.” We had been exploring existential themes such as purpose and how we, as humans, struggle so mightily with uncertainty. My client’s assertion reminded…
Oh, Sweet Surrender
How to Accept the Unacceptable Exactly what does it mean to surrender? Give up? Concede? Capitulate? Acquiesce? Fail? The word seems to have a universally accepted implication of doom, right? It’s about defeat. Oxford’s interpretation is “cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.” Ugh. Who wants to do that? But…
Quagmire: The Joy and Heartache of Relationships
Why are healthy, mutually satisfying relationships so difficult to attain and sustain? Wouldn’t it be easier just to live among the plants and animals on a desert island? Before you answer in the affirmative, consider science. Human beings are neurobiologically created to live in connection with each other. That is a scientifically proven fact. Yet,…
How to Reframe Performance-Oriented Identity
Why Who You Are is Not What You Are. Most of us harbor a self-critic in the amygdala of our brain. It operates on a continuum ranging from selective and reserved to vocal and harsh. While a modicum of self-criticism is necessary and probably desirable, too many of us take it to the extreme. The…
Bittersweet: Saying Goodbye to Clients
Yesterday, my very first client, Evan, and I completed our therapeutic journey together. The experience was poignant, humbling, and empowering for both of us. It was a milestone in my new career as a therapist – a passage I had dreaded. Early in my master’s program, a professor asked me to share my greatest fears…
Is Your Therapist a “Wounded Healer?”
When my sons were in middle and high school, they played basketball with two brothers whose parents were a bit wacky. They were just a little too invested in the performances of their sons and the outcome of their games. Ironically, both father and mother were mental health professionals. I distinctly remember one of the…
Meeting the Mental Health Needs of Athletes
The Fall sports season is here. Millions of fans are again packing stadiums throughout the country. I’m not so sure that’s advisable, but this story isn’t about COVID. It’s about the mental health needs of athletes and how we can help them become more emotionally fit. Leaders in college athletics and professional sports have spoken…
It’s Easier Not to Be Great.
How performance-based identity dysregulates athletes. The Tokyo Olympics have concluded, but the mental health challenges of so many athletes remain. Gymnast Simone Biles catapulted the issue front and center in the midst of the competition. Her courageous acknowledgment follows the stories of Michael Phelps, Aly Raisman, Kevin Love, and many other high-profile Olympic, professional, and…
The Paradox of Mental Health Diagnosis
Navigating the Yin and Yang Show of hands. Who absolutely despises the notion of paradox? Who has a hard time accepting that two opposites can both be true? Because we are a complex species, our cognitive and emotional processes are not limited to but a single set of personality traits, values, or behaviors. We don’t…
The Wrong One Died: Face-to-Face with Survivor’s Guilt
As I prepared to start my graduate school counseling studies, I began reading psychiatrist Irvin Yalom’s book, “Love’s Executioner.” The book is a compilation of patient case studies, which provides a fascinating peek under the hood for a future therapist. Since I’m naturally curious about people and what makes us tick, Yalom’s book was hard…
Eyes Wide Shut: Why are We So Gullible?
I think most of us understand that this country is in the midst of the most acute and chronic era of divisiveness since the Civil War. Too many of us are holed up in our respective silos. It’s us against them; my camp versus your camp. We’re right, you’re wrong. We know the truth, you’re…
Who I Am is Not What I Am: The Curse of Performance-Based Identity
Most of us harbor a self-critic in the Amygdala of our brain. It operates on a continuum ranging from selective and reserved to vocal and harsh. While a modicum of self-criticism is necessary and probably desirable, too many of us take it to the extreme. The genesis often occurs in childhood when we get the…
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Roger M. Cahak 